what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
