she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
