In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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