Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
