i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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