youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The Olympian is in my bed
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