Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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