MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
