I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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