you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
