i just had sex bonerless
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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