talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
