Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
