Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
