You don't have asthma, your pregnant
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
