I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
As shirtless as possible
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
