I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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