So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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