John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
