at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
there's paper in my vomit.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
