Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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