Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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