is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
