i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
