I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
