I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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