GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
