I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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