I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
