And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Of course I have a pirate flag
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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