he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
