i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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