she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
