She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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