i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
