I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
