I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
