When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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