If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
