Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
