yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
