could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
