i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
