after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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