Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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