Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
mondays should just be called national damage control day
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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