he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
