I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
