I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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