how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
