i already hear my dad disowning me
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
