Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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