we have officially lost it.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
