Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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