We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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