you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
